Speaking with a family member, friend or loved one with dementia can present various challenges because people with dementia can feel confused or anxious. The last thing you want is to say something that could upset them further and complicate the condition.

People with dementia may struggle to find the right words to express themselves, which is why those around them and caregivers should be mindful of their choice of words. Generally, it is best to steer clear of specific topics and questions when talking to someone with dementia. Overall, you should encourage peaceful and positive conversation.

It’s always important to remember that people with dementia may not always control how they communicate. It is one of the symptoms. Your response must always convey compassion and patience, ensuring your loved one feels safe and supported.

What You Should Avoid Saying to Someone with Dementia

Telling them someone has passed

One of the effects of dementia is memory loss, which can cause the patient to forget about past bereavement. The person may speak about a former family member or loved one as if they are still alive. They may even get agitated that this person never comes to visit them.

For some people, helping them remember that the person in question has passed away gently can be helpful. But in other cases, it can be painful, and this can result in them going through the same grief and loss as when it first happened.

Alternative:

Unfortunately, there is no right or wrong approach, and it all depends on how far along and the nature of the symptoms.

It’s best to avoid the topic altogether, if possible, as it can lead to frustration and confusion. Before providing them with the update, consider whether it’s in their best interest to be informed about the news. If you choose to tell them, consider how they will initially respond to the news. This will help you understand whether you should tell the person again in the future if they forget about the bereavement again.

If you have to have the conversation, try and have it when the person is feeling comfortable and well-rested.

The recommendation from the Alzheimer’s Society is if the person is in the early stages of dementia, you may want to start talking about death to see how they react to it. But if they’re in the later stages of dementia, the news may only cause them distress, and they may be less likely to understand.

If you do not wish to tell them about the passing of their loved one, you should try to encourage the person to talk about the loved one. Sometimes, talking about the loved one might be comforting even if they don’t realise the loved one has already passed on.

You can also try distracting them by reassuring them that their loved one will be there soon and then changing the subject to a more pleasant topic.

“Remember when…”

When someone is struggling with their memory, you might think that jogging their memory could be a great way to strike up a conversation and bring up old memories. However, bringing up past events or experiences can lead to confusion and frustration if the person fails to remember. They may even get agitated. Some people with dementia may also feel as if they are being tested by such questions, especially when they can’t remember the said instances.

Alternative:

It’s almost inevitable that you will try to discuss past situations or events, especially when you spend a lot of time with them and are familiar with their past. When you need to bring up the past, consider changing your wording and use phrases like “Remember when…” This allows you to lead and direct the conversation, so the person with dementia doesn’t have to worry about remembering, and they can either listen or jump in if their memory doesn’t fail them.

“You’re wrong…”

When it comes to someone with dementia, telling them they are wrong is often counterproductive. They may feel discouraged or humiliated, mainly because such things are often menial, such as brushing their teeth, which they might have forgotten to do.

The person may still be alert enough to understand they’ve made a mistake and feel embarrassed, but they may not understand that they are wrong and may feel that you are unjustly calling them out.

Alternative:

Instead of telling them they are wrong, you should recognise that there is little benefit in arguing with the person. It can make them feel distressed or attacked. Instead, simply change the subject or distract the individual with something fun and upbeat.

“What did you say earlier?”

Open-ended questions can be a source of frustration and confusion for people with dementia. If the person cannot remember the answer, they may become upset or worried about their memory loss. This makes it tricky to remember something they said earlier.

Alternative:

Try to shift your focus during the day. This will give them time to process the information or ask any questions. It may also encourage them to share details about their own day. You can then use this to spark other conversations.

“I already told you”

Confusion and disorientation are common symptoms of dementia, which can lead to repetitive questions. Understandably, this can be frustrating for you, but please remember that they are not trying to intentionally agitate you. They probably just want to feel included or seek comfort. Sometimes, they simply don’t remember a task they have already completed.

Alternative:

Instead of saying to them “I already told you,” try to be reassuring and calm in your tone. Try to think of what could be triggering the repetitive questions. For instance, if they keep asking if it is bedtime, they may be feeling overwhelmed or tired.

In many cases, when a person with dementia keeps asking the same questions, they are most likely looking for an emotional response rather than a factual response.

“Do you recognise me?”

If your loved one recognises who you are, you can tell from how you will be able to interact with them. Often, people with dementia struggle to remember people’s names. However, they still recognise your importance to them.

You should try to avoid asking them outright if they know who you are. They may feel guilty or embarrassed if they don’t remember you.

Alternative:

The way you greet a person with dementia may change as the condition progresses. The most important thing is to judge for yourself if a simple greeting will be enough or if you need to introduce yourself and your relationship with them. This will help to avoid repetitive questions.

Other Phrases and Questions to Avoid

Many times, when talking to people with dementia, you are trying to help them or striking up a conversation. But you could be causing them undue stress unknowingly and making them feel frustrated. In addition to the above-mentioned topics, you should also consider avoiding questions like:

  • Is your dementia getting worse?
  • Would you like some tea, water or coffee?
  • Do you need help with that?

It’s possible to take an alternative and a more proactive approach to helping them so they never have to feel defeated or like they are a burden.